This post is very difficult to write and very personal. But I think acknowledgement of the issue and acceptance may be the needed first steps toward dealing with it.
I’ve felt depressed for a while now. My therapist (yes, I see a therapist) thinks it might be depression as well. I am diagnosed with ADHD and I do take medication for it. It helps to a certain degree.
Circumstances have contributed to this mindset. Multiple deaths of family and friends in the past two years, the stress of a Trump presidency, the lack of sleep that comes with having a newborn child, these things might be contributing factors. But it’s ultimately my own fault that I’m at this point. Refusal to acknowledge this has left me seeking answers elsewhere for a long time.
“If only I had this, things would be better.”
“If only that happened, things would be better.”
This line of thinking is a fallacy. It ignored the real problem, the one going on in my mind. It’s affected my relationship with my wife, my desire to seek out and form genuine relationships with family and friends. It’s made my day-to-day attitude bad. It’s made me angry and bitter at too young of an age.
So what do I do to fix this?
I honestly don’t know. I’ve tried so many different things. I exercise on a regular basis. I’m employed (thankfully) and have a new baby girl.
When I was younger (am I still young at 29?) I would examine the habits of older people. What bothered me the most about them was their lack of ability or desire to change. I swore I’d never be like that. Yet, here I am, unable to find a way to break this cycle of negative thinking that I’ve carried for far too many years. And scariest of all is I don’t know if I have the strength to try.
But I have to try. For my wife, for my daughter, for my family. They don’t deserve this. They deserve my best.
I’m going to start by trying forgiveness. Much of what is causing my sadness stems from me holding on to pain from the past. People have bullied me. People haven’t listened to me. People have disrespected me at the soul of who I am. It has hurt me deeply.
But my wife, in her infinite wisdom, is correct yet again. By forgiving the people who have hurt me, including myself for hurting myself with my own behavior, I can move on and build a new positive foundation.
I also need to take this space to apologize to everyone I’ve ever hurt. Whether you forgive me is up to you, but please know that I’ve held onto the pain I’ve caused you. It doesn’t matter how you feel about me, but I hope you’re able to at least let the hurt and negative feelings go. Please know that I will be working for the rest of my life to ensure that I am a force for positivity and good in the world.
I want to end this post with a standard yoga saying. In Hinduism, it means “I bow to the divine in you.” Maybe if we all saw the divine in ourselves, we could be a little bit kinder to each other.